I hope that you are all doing well and that you all are healthy and happy, or at least satisfied!
I know “happy” is such a loaded word with so many associations and expectations and at the same time it is so abstract and sometimes I don’t even know what it means…
This time I want to write about a topic that I wrote about before:
About the never ending struggle with weight and eating “bad” things and the many guilty feelings that I have afterwards. Also about the obsession with so called body-fat and with wanting to get rid of it.
It is crazy because with a part of my brain I can say that I look fine and that I am not fat at all etc., but this feeling of being fat and heavy and of having too much body-fat percentage is just sooo intense that I almost can’t win from it.
I was 15 years old when I went to the ballet academy and I was so vulnerable and so open for everything and this whole food- and weight issue: I just sucked it up like a sponge. Like all my classmates actually dis as well.
So, there we were all together all with the same insecurities and the same fear of being thrown out of the academy, when the next exams and notes were due and we just tried to survive in this harsh and cold surroundings. At least, that’s how I experienced it.
And now I am almost 50 years old, a free man, an adult and I don’t have anything to do with dance and ballet anymore and STILL I am coping with this incredible negative and tiring mindset of more than 30 years ago…crazy, isn’t it?
So, with a part of my mind and with my conscious thoughts I am trying to reset my brain and then to reset my feeling as well, and the second I find the most difficult, I have to say.
But, I must admit that it is getting a little better and I am capable of not reacting to these thoughts of being too fat and heavy. I hear them, but I don’t do anything with them anymore and I think that is the beginning of a change.
Another thing I noticed that got also such a strong and big part of myself, is the fact that I always feel as if I am not enough and as if all the things that I do are never enough.
And it is very obvious that the roots of this intrensic conviction, are part of the ballet academy and of the (professional) dance world in general.
I was always told what wasn’t right and what wasn’t enough and I almost never heard what was good or beautiful or stunning or amazing.
So of course your mind and your whole being learned how to focus only on the things that weren’t good enough or high enough or fast enough or whatever!
And now I have to tell myself regularly that I am enough and that I am doing enough. Especially with my job as a flight attendant, for me it is very easy to think that I am not doing enough, because there are always passengers that are not satisfied or that are complaining or even being rude and personally offending.
It is hard, but I try to catch myself when I am thinking I am not enough and then I try to correct myself and to make sure that I think a positive thought instead. Like for instance I am more than enough and I do so much!
Most of the times that works and it calms me down in the inside, so that’s already much better.
Do you cope with the same thoughts or with the same brainwash?
How do you deal with such thoughts and habits?
I hope you found a way to NOT listen to these negative thoughts and convictions inside and that you can somehow free yourself from them!
Many greetings from Berlin and stay safe!
👍👍🥰