Hello everybody all over the world!
I hope you are all doing well and that you are enjoying life!

Today I would like to write about something that comes a long automaticly with being, or having been a dancer. It is about the fact that everything is so extreme and so intense…as a child you just think that is normal and you don’t realise until you are an adult AND until you have another job that these extremes are actually abnormal. The way dancers are treated and the way they are being schooled are both very extreme und intense. I remember the extreme mental pressure in ballet-class. It was like in the army and I was always very, very nervous before class.
I had one teacher who was like a tiran and I was so afraid of her and her way of teaching.      Sometimes she would be in such a bad mood that she would just shout at us non-stop and she would create such a bad atmosphere in which I felt horrible!

I remember that during her ballet-class I would always know where she would be and at whom she would be looking. I was actually not able to concentrate on myself and on the exercises at all. This unbelievable tension in the studio and this huge amount of stress during class; I thought this was normal and that I just had to deal with it in order to become a good dancer.

My parents once visited an open class of this teacher and especially my mother was wondering what I was doing in this ballet academy, since the way of teaching was very old fashioned and pedagogical very irresponsible. My mother said: “I had the feeling the ceiling was just touching my head, that’s how much pressure and tension I could feel in the room!” And after the open class my parents both asked me whether I would like to continue with this and I could only say YES, because of the fact that I desperately wanted to be a (ballet) dancer.

Psychologically it was a huge challenge to deal with this kind of teaching and with this kind of terrorising behavior. There were days that I wasn’t allowed to say goodbye to this teacher after class. We always had to come over to her and shake her hand and perform a little bow after her  class, unless she was convinced that you didn’t perform well enough that day…that was so humiliating and so cruel!
She would shout at me and at other students regularly and she would even send us out of class, or make us sit at the side if we weren’t good enough. Since I was so young and still so open and willing to do everything, I was just tremendously hurt by that in many ways!
And even today I still notice the wounds that I have concerning these years at the ballet academy. For instance, I would do almost anything to avoid being a target for anyone. Especially when I was younger I always avoided conflicts and discussions, hoping that I would be good enough and accepted by others.

At the same ballet academy I also had a male teacher who was a little bit friendlier, but who also made us deal with a lot of his own hatred, bitterness and frustrations.
He would make us do exercises over and over again, till we couldn’t anymore.
He would often stand behind us (in first- or in second position) and press himself to our backs and buts in order to -so called- “correct” our placement and turn out.
Now I know that that was a kind of sexual harassment, but at that time it didn’t even cross my mind that it might had something to do with it. Because it was done so often and with such a normality, actually! Incredible manipulative and intimidating behavior!

I also remember a teacher saying to one of my fellow-students that she looked like a “fat pig”! This girl was maybe 14 or 15 years old at that time and probably traumatized for the rest of her life! To me they often said that I would never make it as a (ballet) dancer, because my achilles-tendons were too short and I would never be able to jump as high as required.
Nowadays I know that I was just way too cramped up and full of tension, so I couldn’t relax and let go in my pliés.
Even though they thought I wasn’t good enough for ballet, they still kept me for three whole years. Most probably because I was such a good boy and because I was very disciplined and obedient. The fact that I was sent away from the ballet academy was most probably the best thing that ever happened to me.
In my next blog I will write about exactly WHY that was the best thing that happened to me.

That’s it for now and I send you lots of greetings from Berlin! 

P.S.: I totally forgot to write about boundaries and about how often dancers boundaries are being crossed in so many ways. By choreographers, by rehearsal directors, by casting directors, by dance teachers and even by colleagues!                                                                                   It is almost as if dancers boundaries do not exist at all. In all kinds of situations I have been confronted with behavior that never would be accepted by people that are working in a different environment as ballet, theatre, modeling or top sports. That’s why I called this chapter “Boundaries…what are those?!” 

As a child or as an adolescent you are not aware of the fact that you have the opportunity to say “no” to things or to not accept certain behavior. Not even mentioning to verbalize- and to show your boundaries! And dancers in general are being taught to be disciplined and to be pushed and pushed and pushed, far beyond the limit.                                                          Especially in the ballet world I experienced that shutting up and doing as been told, is THE recipe to possible success and acceptance. I didn’t realize that the dance world was (and maybe still IS) full of crazy, power-hungry and egocentric employers until I left it and started working somewhere else. Somewhere where I apparently could slow down a little bit and where I could stand up for myself without being fired, threatened or being punished or thrown off stage!

Having choreographers, ballet directors or rehearsal directors yelling at you, because you make a small mistake or because you are just too tired to dance it full on, was just normal to me and sometimes I even thought I deserved it to be yelled at. Isn’t that crazy, in a way?!                    And I was so dependent on the opinion of only one person, or a few people that were in the position to decide everything for me. Whether I would be casted, whether I would be taken, whether I would be in the front or in the back, whether I would have a job at all, etc., etc.       And nowadays I am so aware of the fact that there ARE boundaries and I am so glad that I am able to speak up and to verbalize my boundaries. That wasn’t easy to learn, after all those years of saying “yes” and accepting any kind of UNACCEPTABLE behavior.

I hope that you all can speak up for yourselves and that you are at least aware of your personal boundaries and of the fact when they are being crossed by someone.                                      That is the first step in the process of learning how to verbalize and how to protect your boundaries and THAT is essential in life…Amen, hallelujah!   ;-D