Hello out there and welcome (back) to my blog!
I had a long break and I can’t believe how fast these last three months passed by! Even with Corona and with relatively little to do, the time just flew by and I don’t know where it went.
I kind of had a writers block too, because I wasn’t sure wether I should write about this subject, or not. After having contemplated a long time, I think it is a very important subject that dancers have to deal with all the time. It even lives in today’s general society so strongly. It is about the so called “perfect” body and I hope that you can relate to it and that I will find a way to treat this topic gently and respectfully for everybody that reads it.

As I said, I want to write about a kind of obsession that I have developed throughout my dancer’s life and that I cannot seem to get rid of, eventhough I have stopped dancing for more than 10 years ago. It is about my body and about the compulsive need to keep it in shape and to stay lean and to keep away from getting this possible oh so thin roll of fat on my stomach or on my lower back.
I am constantly busy with my weight and with food and with how I can get- and keep the “perfect body” (whatever that might be?!) It is on my mind almost the whole time and it is like a kind of rustle in the back of my head.

Obviously I developed a severe brainwash during the years that I attended the National Ballet Academy in Amsterdam:
Me and my fellow students were always afraid of the possibility to get too heavy and to be judged by that. The concequence was that you would be kicked out of school.
I was 15 when I entered the ballet academy and I remember that I would sometimes not eat during the whole day and just drink water, because all of the others would do so too, once in a while.
At this young age we were dealing already with so much pressure. Looking in this (very critical) mirror every day for several hours in a row and judging ourselves harshly by what we saw in it.
And teachers would add up on our critical selves by saying things like:
“Well, I see a fat pig in front of me!”, or by monitoring what we would eat during our breaks or before/after a performance or rehearsal.

It isn’t untill after I was much older that I realized how crazy it is to have been exposed to that kind of situations and judgements at such a young age. Things like this stick on you and become part of your character and of your whole self, I find.
After three years at the ballet academy I was kicked out due to too short Achilles-tendons. Thank God, because this is when I got into the Highschool of Arts/the Theatre School. And this is where I studied modern dance, jazz dance, Horton, etc. and where I learned to relax a little bit about the whole weight and “am I too heavy?!”-issue.
When I got out of the Theatre school and during my whole dancing career actually, I could eat anything what I wanted and I would still stay lean and in shape, because of the fact that I was training/rehearsing and performing so much.                                                                                                                  It wasn’t untill I stopped dancing that I realized that I had to mind what I was eating to be able to keep the silouette that I had as a dancer.
And this is where I am now and I notice that I still have this very critical judge inside of me that is telling me that I have to watch every move I make, so I won’t get heavier or so I won’t get this (rediculously thin) layer of fat anywhere.

How come this is so important to me and why can’t I just let go of this ideal body that I have in mind the whole time?
For years I have taught myself to aim for being the best and to always try to achieve (impossible) perfection. And that is still such a strong part of me that I try to apply this (consciously or unconsciously) to everything that I do and to every part that I am.
As a dancer I was drilled to compare myself with only the ones that were better than me and even nowadays, (I am almost 47 years old) I do the same:
Whenever and where ever I am, for instance in the fitness studio, I always look at the ones that are so called better or quicker than me or at the ones that have a so called better looking body than me. And then I idealize this other person and I automaticly critisize myself.
I litteraly have this extreme critical ballet teacher from the ballet academy in myself.                        She has indeed become a part of me, whether I want it or not.
Do I make sense at all?

I know a lot of ex-dancers who are much more relaxed about this whole issue and who are more gentle with themselves in the sense that they don’t mind having gained weight or having lost their fitness at all. And honestly I admire that, because it is such a gentle gesture towards yourself and it feels less tough and even less bitter in a sense, if you know what I mean?
I guess it could feel like a liberation, not to worry about fitness and a lean silhouette anymore…or about gaining weight, about getting older, about getting saggy skin, or loosing the sixpack, or getting a flat buttocks, etc.
And still I find it so hard to let this dancer’s silouette go and to allow myself to change in that way.
With my head I can reason and understand that I am not too heavy at all and that my body is fine how it is, but it feels soooooo different and when I look in the mirror I only see this stomach that is not “sixpacky” enough. And I also see the roll of fat on my lower back and the only thought I can have is:
“I want to get rid of it!” As soon as possible, please!

So in the end I just think that I have to accept the fact that this monitoring my weight and bodymass and everything, is a part of me. Fighting against it will only make it worse and stronger at the end. And who knows sometime I might be able to be much gentler to myself, succeeding to mute the critical voices in me and to enjoy the freedom of just accepting that the body changes as time goes by.

That’s it for now guys and girls and many greetings from Berlin, Germany.
Stay safe!