I hope that you and your loved ones are all well and healthy and that you are somehow coaping with this challenging Corona-time.
Today I want to write about something that bothers me quite a bit, namely the fact that a lot of times I don’t know what I want.
For such a long time in my life I have always known what I wanted and that was dancing and being on stage.
Those two things were the main goal for over 18 years and all of a sudden these are gone and there is a big question mark instead.
Does that sound familiar to you?
Especially when it comes down to for instance new hobbies, I wouldn’t have any clue what I would like to do. I DO know though, that I need something that will fullfill me artisticly, next to my work as a flight attendant.
But what?!
I thought about it a lot and I have always come to the point that I find it very hard to start something from scratch. I don’t feel like giving my whole and everything again, like I did for dancing.
I have the feeling that I gave everything I have, to dance and that there is nothing left anymore for anything else.
I find it hard to explain how this works in me and I hardly understand this aspect of myself. I hope I do make any sense?!
I thought about taking singing classes or acting classes or acrobatic tissue classes, etc., etc., but I just couldn’t force myself to start them.
Another aspect that I find very hard is to approach those possible hobbies as a non-professional. I always have the highest expectations of the hobby itself AND the highest expectations of myself.
Which means it isn’t about fun, but again about being the best, etc., etc. And when I have such high expectations of the hobby itself, it is doomed to dissapoint me and then why even bother to start with it?
Since the beginning of this year I started drawing and painting and I notice that I like this a lot. In the beginning it was hard to just paint whatever came to my mind, but now I just DO it instead of thinking too much about what the results will be.
And I have to say it is fun to do, so maybe this is my new hobby in which I can fullfill myself artisticly and in which I can express my feelings, in a way.
Hallo Jeroen
Thank you for your concern about our wellbeing. I feel well and healthy. And most of my loved ones too.
I love reading your blog. I never was a dancer myself. I have seen the commitment dancers need to have te become a dancer.
And to every new dance-performance.
That it does not stop after quitting the dance, I never realized. By reading your blog I do learn a lot.
Thank you so much for your efforts to write this blog. Love you!
Hello dear Judith,
I am glad that you like to read my blog and that it makes you aware of what dancers, or artists in general, have to deal with when they (have to) stop their art-form.
And yes, the dancer inside of me will never die and therefor the passion and the characteristics of a dancer won’t die either. They will stay with me and they will allways escort me through life.
It is a pleasure writing this blog and it fullfills me in a way that is new to me, so that is great!
Love,
Jeroen
Hello Jeroen,
I am sorry this took me so long to read and get back to you. I would like to say that I am so busy, but it is not the truth. The truth is I have too much time on my hands with no studios open in New York City. I do teach online classes and am thankful for them. Just to see all these gifted, beauties flying around with their poetic bodies gives me joy.
But the reality is that I too feel like my soul is dying, maybe died? For me at my age the actual dancing isn’t happening but for as long as I was in a studio with young artists and being somehow complicit in their bodies I was as happy as ever in spite of my own creaking reality. This pandemic has taken a toll on us all, even with out physical health in tact.
I love reading your thoughts and the responses, all filled with an honesty not found generally in the world. It is refreshing and INSPIRING. And seeing your still incredibly beautiful smile is a gift. I only have one thing to add and that is the value of persistence. The insistent hope of truth and pursuit of happiness is an under rated asset. I love you and hope to see you again sometime. Till then I send you a big hug. Your friend and fan, Janet Panetta
Dear, dear Janet,
thank you so much for your wonderful, warm and honest words!
I DO know how it feels as if your own soul is dying and that is very painful. I often ask myself, whether that happended to me too, in a way, as I quit dancing.
But then I always come back to the thought that my soul is not only about dance, but that it is about more than that.
I am sure that there are much more things that could fullfill my soul. Maybe not in the same way as dance, but in a new way, somehow. The difficult thing is to find out what else…maybe it is painting, or making music, or helping people in a specific way, or writing, or acting, etc., etc.
I am convinced about the fact that our soul can be fullfilled in many ways and that it actually cannot die. It might be unfullfilled, but it won’t die. At least that is my point of view.
And you are so right: I forgot about persistence. Persistence is a very important aspect of being an artist and of being a human being in general, I find. In German there is a saying that says: “Hope is the last thing that will die”, and I agree. I still have my hopes up for the world to change in a positive way, or for us to find THAT thing that will bring us joy and fullfillment. For me a big part of that fullfillment is this blog.
Dear Janet, I am so happy that you are healthy and that we are friends!
I hope you feel better real soon and I send you lots of love from Berlin!
Jeroen